FOR THIS CLOWN, JUST ADD BOOZE

What is it with our apprehension towards clowns? You know what I am talking about; grease paint, red nose, funny-looking clothes. Did we have a traumatic experience in our past, say while visiting the seedy, underfunded circus as it rolled through town? Or maybe we were terrorized as a child by a birthday-for-hire clown during a neighborhood backyard party? Clowns have always seemed to play upon our inner fears. Smiling and audacious, yet projecting unbalanced behaviour that borders contentious and destructive. I find it captivating as to what makes one become a clown, or even more so, why do some of these clowns scare the hell out of people. A weird lot to say the least, I recently met up with a clown that may be weirder than most.

Sneaky The Clown as he is known, is one of a number of clowns that make the annual October circuit at the assorted haunted house venues across the country. Where he differs from the inexpereicned high school kids donning a clown mask and scaring patrons between school finals, is that this clown, and here's where it gets really scary, does this sort of thing for a living.

It was a quiet Saturday afternoon before Sneaky is to head off to Spooky House Haunted Park in Northridge, CA, a quiet suburb of Los Angeles. Sneaky works there abusing and degrading all that set foot on the premises. He has agreed to let me interview him and we decided to meet at 1:00pm in a coffee shop for lunch. Not too early he informed me, as he is a late riser and usually is harboring a hangover from overindulging the night before. Having seen him perform at Spooky House, where he was vigorous, full of life, and on his "clowning" game, I wasn't sure what to expect to see coming through the door. At 1:20pm in he walks, haggered looking, hungover, worn make-up, and appears to have slept in his clown get-up. After mustering enough energy to flirt with a waitress, I wave him over to my table, he barely acknowledges the stares from customers who have stopped eating fork-in-hand, not sure what to make of this strange character. He sits down, pulls a bottle of vodka (clown juice as he calls it) and takes a swig. I decline his offer to take a sip and ask if he is ready to be interviewed. He says "fire away", his protruding buck teeth mumbling his words.

INTERVIEW WITH SNEAKY THE CLOWN

STC = Sneaky The Clown

CT: So how we feeling today?

STC: You askin' for both of us, cuz you know I feel like shit and I don't think you want me commenting about you.

CT: Sorry. Just for the record, do you have a hangover?

STC: Yeah, ol' Sneaky did a little too much mixing last night.

CT: You mean like beer and wine, maybe whisky?

STC: Naw...blondes, brunettes...couple of Asian broads, a black chick with a big booty...of course booze numbnuts!

The waitress comes by to take our order. I ask for scrambled eggs, Sneaky orders tomato juice.

CT: So do those teeth ever come out?

STC: With the shape of my chompers, if I pull these out they may never go back in.

CT: No, seriously those look uncomfortable (sensing a straight answer may be hard to come by in this interview)

STC: We clowns don't have dental plans. Besides, it's part of my personality.

CT: Right. So why tomato juice? Is it for the vodka?

CT: So do you perform while intoxicated?

STC: Every chance I get! But I'm never so bad that I wur my slords.

CT: You say you clown full-time. Can you really make enough money to support yourself?

STC: Not really. I'm forced to do gay porn the rest of the year.

CT: Wow, really? I had no idea.

STC: Yeah me neither. Hey pal, I ain't no homo...well sort of. How much would'ya pay me for a blow job. I'd even remove my teeth if the price is right.

CT: Um, I-

STC: Never mind, don't get your brain all twisted. Actually, my other Badclowns and I make a little money during Halloween, but I usually try my luck on the comedy circuit. I make it a point to perform at desperate little hole-in-the-walls in the middle of nowhere. That way when they don't ask me back, I don't feel so bad not having to travel hundreds of miles to make forty bucks.

CT: So sorry to bring this up again, but doesn't the alcohol ever get in the way?

STC: Yeah...sometimes while driving. But I got wise and moved the bottle from between my legs and into a cup holder.

CT: Since you always seem to be performing, even now, is there ever a time when you're in public that you are not?

STC: Look, I do have another life, you know outside of clowning, a secret identity mind you, but that requires abstinence...I don't like that much. Too sobering! Life for the most is too sobering, too serious. I may be a bad clown, but regular folk can be downright mean.

The waitress brings us our order. Sneaky looks her up and down, while pouring his vodka into the tomato juice.

STC: Nice ass-ets if you know what I mean!

CT: Wanting to touch on your last comment about life, are you saying that people don't take time out enough, stop and think about their fellow man, maybe are too busy in their self-absorbed lives?

STC: Hey that's your words...I just think they're assholes.

CT: Okay then, how about politics? You active in that area?

STC: You mean like the Presidents and stuff? I try not to, but I'm not a Bush basher like a lot of people out there. Hell, G.W. likes to crack open a can or two of the suds, so I can relate with the guy. That goes for Clinton too. I kind of idolized him. Wish I was as good at getting some tail as Slick Willie was. He was one real suave fucker.

Sneaky toots on his horn for a little boy walking by our table with his mother.

STC: (Looking at the boy's mother) Hey baby!

CT: Do you have family in the area, and if so, do they approve of you being Sneaky The Clown?

STC: Family? My Badclowns...the clowns are family! Other than that I live in my mother's basement. She don't know who I am.

CT: Oh you mean she only knows the secret identity?

STC: No, she says "You are so screwed up in the head that I don't know who you are"!

CT: Might I ask your age?

STC: You may, but I ain't gonna answer that on the grounds it may interfere.

CT: Interfere?

STC: Yeah, with my chances of gettin' some action! You know teenage girls only go so far up the age ladder. My ladder already reaches to the top floor.

CT: You are aware that teenage girls are illegal?

STC: Yeah well so are aliens, but they're here too...right?

CT: Let's try to get back to the subject.

STC: Hey all this stuff is subjective!

CT: Yes that's true. So if you couldn't be a clown what would you be doing?

STC: You mean besides 14 year olds?

CT: Yes! I mean a profession, what line of work?

STC: Well I always thought that Zodiac guy from Frisco had an interesting job.

CT: You mean the serial killer?

STC: Oops my bad. I thought he was an astrologist to a bunch of free lovin' hippies or somethin' like that. You know, sex, drugs, booze...YEAH!

CT: No! He killed people, and sent letters to the police taunting them.

STC: Hmmm, did he ever make any money at that?